Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
