i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
