i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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