thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
