i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
