i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
