just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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