I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
what day is it and did you see me today?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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