Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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