im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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