We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
