just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
