Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
