Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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