it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
