We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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