do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
