please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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