Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
