To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
