you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
