in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
