Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
