I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
