I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
