If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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