I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
