made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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