Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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