apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
