I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
