my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I look better un-naked...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
