What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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