with your own penis?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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