so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
