I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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