Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
