I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
