there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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