moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
