my mouth tastes like poor choices
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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