The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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