you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
