Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
