why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
