bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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