hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
