don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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