I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
