you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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