why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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