Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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