Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
