she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
