My hand turned me down
People in love make me want to vomit
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
