And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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