Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
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I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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