My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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